Forum: Jokes

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion: (1) The woman buys the food. (2) The woman makes the salad,...

My budgie broke a leg while playing with one of his toys. Rather than take him to the vet's I made a tiny splint out of two matches. When he started walking his little face lit up! Mind you, so did the rest of him as I had forgotten he had sandpaper on the floor of his cage.

My Mum is 90 now and we visited her last Sunday. She can’t see or hear as well as he used to. After an hour and a half's drive we got to her house, I went to the front door and shouted 'Are you in Mum?'. ‘I’m just here, in the kitchen’ she called back. We went to her and I asked ‘What...

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked. The man replied, "I want to see Suzy." "Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer...

I just heard that Jonathan Ross has been arrested for stealing kitchen utensils from a Lakeland store. He apparently told police he had to take the whisk.

·I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now. ·I tried to catch some fog. I mist. ·When chemists die, they barium. ·Jokes about German sausages are the wurst. ·A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Some people are apparently getting upset that horse meat has been found in beefburgers. I'm not worried, it's part of a stable diet. I was in the Sainsbury's cafe earlier today. The waitress asked if I wanted anything on my burger. I asked her to put a fiver each way on it......

A lorry loaded with Vicks Sinex has overturned on the M6. A police spokesperson says there'll be no congestion for eight hours.

I just went to Sainsbury's for some Christmas groceries, wine, single malts etc. When I was ready to check out and pay for my stuff, the cashier said "Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note of the circumstances so I could complain to my local MP about this running amok with crime...

Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.). Not to be outdone by young kids senior citizens now have their own short-hand texting codes. ATD - At the Doctor's BFF - Best Friend Fell BTW - Bring the Wheelchair BYOT - Bring your own teeth CBMI – Covered By Medical Insurance

My memory really sucks Mildred, so I changed my password to “incorrect”. That way when log in with the wrong password, the computer will tell me. ”Your password is incorrect”

I was in a pub last Saturday night, drank a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Are you two ladies from Ireland ?" One of them chirped saying, "It's WALES, you idiot!" So, I immediately apologised and said, "I'm sorry. Are...

As I drove my brand new convertible Aston Martin out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, I floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through my arctic blonde hair. "Amazing," I thought as I flew down the A1 towards a UKExpert meet in London, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in my...

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant. "Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!" Being a 'Kind Hearted Scotsman', he thought, "What the heck..., I'll treat her!" . . . . .

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defence's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,"...

I know someone who's addicted to brake fluid but he says he can stop anytime.

Arthur is 90 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad… once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see where it went.” His wife sympathizes. As they sit...

The Florida State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in Osceola, Polk, Manatee, Orange, and Dade Counties. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their...

The Unstoppable Virus I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot Take care of this one. It appears to most affect those who were born prior to 1960. Symptoms: 1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. Done that!...

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback café with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.. The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu. A short time later the waitress returns...

An elderly man was stopped by the police at around 2am and was asked where was going at that time of night. The man replied, “I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.” The officer then said, “Really? Who...

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving probably isn't for you.......

A Young man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as "LOW BATTERY". Whenever she calls him in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it into the charger. Give that man a medal!

The Olympic sailing results are in: Team GB have taken Gold, Team USA have taken silver, Somalia have taken a middle aged couple from Weymouth.

My wife left a Post It note on the fridge......... "It's not working!! I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my Mums!" I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold........ God only knows what she was talking about!!